Written by Luvgood Carp

Now is not the time for questioning minds.

Now is the time for Bud Light and lime

because thinking is hard and hurts to boot –

that’s why you have me; I’m thinking’s leisure suit.

Slip me on and see how I fit.

Plenty of room for belly and hip.

Gaudy and garish like the colors of war –

not that I have ever served before.

No, that’s a privilege for others to endure.

I was created to talk non-stop.

You were made to listen without thought.

So listen as I glorify a past never seen

and scorch anyone who dares disagree

with a wit fueled by methane gas

and a tongue lodged so far up my ass,

it makes me wobble when I walk

and forces me to bend over when I talk

or when I get enemas of warm liquid mint

because my breath makes garbage men squint.

But these burdens must be borne

if I’m to keep my followers uninformed

and hopefully by the end of my show

there won’t be anything for them to know.

So turn the radio on and hear my jingle.

May it give your tiny penis a tiny tingle.

We’ll put a boot up your ass –

that’s the American way.

Apple pie served with a hand grenade.

Text © Luvgood Carp

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