Written by Sibiraj Chakravarthi

i was on my on my third green tea of the morning when they took me,

my wife was still on our bed- snuggly, snoring into the day at 10 AM,

BAM BAM, there was a knock on the door.

awoke the missus, i did a small pat, put her back to sleep,

as she went back to snore, my feet on the floor,

knocks on the door getting louder than before-

peeping hole showed black-

who is the hell is that?

i felt a push & the door gave away

there was a three headed dog on my doorway.

peculiar but not uncommon in my neighbourhood-

posh people leaving pets unattended like they’re hollywood royalty,

I scooted down to pet the little bugger,

all three heads raised their eyes to look at me,

crystal red, name tag said cereberus, guardian of the dead-

a raising voice out of nowhere said- KNEEL!

my whole body buckled down to it’s knees

arms immobile,

YOU’VE BEEN SUMMONED, the voice creaked

Before i could ask where,

I fell through the darkest into nowhere.

when I opened my eyes, I was in a court,

There was a judge, two lawyers and a fourth man,

he was across from me arms folded

DO YOU ACCEPT YOUR CHARGES?

the judge had no eyes,

so I couldn’t look him in the eye

handcuffs on me, bolted shut,

Charges? What Charges?

And for what seemed the largest second,

everyone just stared at me,

” I reckon you haven’t heard “

the lawyer across from me continued

“You dear sir are here for the murder of your dreams,-

Today morning, you woke up,

you looked at your memes,

drinking tea after tea after tea,

this was your life, this was your wife,

this is the house you built,

you were happy & satisfied.

the drive to prove everyone wrong,

the pain your father had caused you was gone,

your job paid enough, you had bills

but no guilt,

and an overwhelming sense that you’ll be fine.

as you sipped the last drop of your vile green tea,

at exactly 10.05 AM

you accepted your reality.

Forbes 30 under 30 lists don’t make you melt in vain, your name isn’t on it.

Isn’t that a shame?

you don’t have an investment portfolio,

peers working on internet companies having high pay & IPO,

go catch a couple of beers with them,

you got nothing to share with them,

the usual nostalgia isn’t there with them,

it takes so much just to bear with them,

you fell off, you got fat,

you made no youtube videos at all,

when people ask you where you’re at

you smile and nod, you shrink and rot,

you got old, you got told you’re half the person you used to be, yet you choose to be.

you had choice, you had free will, you had time-

yet your imaginary interview answers remain imaginary,

you ask me what’s your crime?

you have no passion, no sense of where you’ve arrived,

you didn’t change the world and yet you’re satisfied.

you gave up today sir & that is your crime.”

aah fuck.

I knew this day would come,

My therapist had warned me.

“Do you have anything to say for yourself?”

I do actually.

it’s all a misunderstanding, i was still about to get to it all, i didn’t kill my dreams-

” That’s a lie, just like you say to yourself you’ll call your mother back, but you never do “

Sorry to interrupt but you can’t tell me what’s not true, I know me, and you have no idea what’s I’ve been through-

“Actually let’s do exactly that,

We’d like to bring the first witness to the pedestal your honour – this man’s fifteen year old self “

I looked ahead to see myself,

Porecelin skin and no backpain,

I waved handcuffs and all, no wave back.

The lawyer continued

” you see this man, you’ve seen what he’s become, now tell me son- are you happy with what you see?”

he looked at me, our eyes met,

the first human eyes I’ve seen since I’ve been dragged into this mess-

” No. ” He blurted out.

this little fucker.

It was all his fault & he’s not satisfied with me?,

does he have an idea how much of his nonsense I had to deal with to get here.

If you’d just fucking studied instead of wasting your time loitering with words on notebooks,

herds of thought bubbles inside of our heads,

you didn’t play, you didn’t eat well,

you set me up for failure,

you were a depressed exhale away from making yourself into roadkill yet i made us a life, I made us okay, i fixed us,

and you don’t like what you’re looking at?

“You didn’t fix us!” He shouted

“we aren’t sad just because we’re broken,

Yes. our house was two,

our hearts were torn apart,

but our misery extended beyond all that,

because we couldn’t stop people from causing each other pain,

we promised this wouldn’t keep happening over and over again,

to make a better place for people like us,

these problems shouldn’t remain anonymous

being okay and being alright shouldn’t be synonymous,

we were supposed to get better for everyone, as everyone, but you just became selfish, you’re selfish”

your honor,

was I wrong to eradicate myself of this saviour complex?

I turned to myself-

Look kid, I’m just being honest.

Yes. I chose myself over the world,

I’m not a hero, It’s not ideal,

I know you expected a better version,

but sometimes the world makes you a bitter person,

You don’t understand yet but you will

it’s okay to accept that this is all we’re capable of, we’re just being realistic okay?

He looked at me long and hard.

“This is wrong, this is not what I wanted to be, you’re a different person, you’re not me “

That’s not true, I’m you. I’m you.

He stepped off.

It’s true, we never ended up writing that book we said we always would,

making that film we always hoped we could,

or that music album or building that house we wanted to live in the middle of nowhere, now it really is nowhere to be found.

but that’s okay right?

That’s what my therapist told me,

she told me it’s okay, it’s not giving up.

It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not.

Is it not?

the lawyer stepped up to me

“Do you wish things were different?”

Everyone wishes for that, but it’s a useless train of thought

We can’t change anything, we just live with the present, whether we like it or not.

It’s not my fault I had too many dreams,

it’s not possible to measure up,

pull the pressure up to things i thought I could achieve

when I had no idea what it takes-

it’s impossible to be your perfect / my perfect.

I’m not perfect.

I have a good life, I’m okay with this.

Why is this a problem?

“I’m sorry. There are certain things that you are meant to do, We can’t let you go unless you agree to take back your dreams.”

I’m not doing that. I don’t want that life anymore, my only dream is to get back to my wife, just let me go-

I clutched my chains tighter,

just let me go.

He turned back to the courtroom

” I hope you have seen what you needed to see, I rest my case your honor “

I couldn’t lift my head up, I could hear the judge’s hammer.

it was over.

I cannot stop the tears, seconds cannot move slower as the chains dig into my hands

would I not get the chance to back into my life?

I was taken, I was mistaken when I thought I had more time.

I had just gotten into gardening, who’ll water my plants?

Who’ll call my friends to tell them I’ll not be making it to any of our plans,

The judge cleared his throat.

is this person guilty or not?

What defines a dream, it is conviction or just thought.

if the world does not benefit from your happiness or your pain,

and you turn to self service

living in the middle of a comfortable hurricane,

Isn’t that a betrayal of the resources that made you flourish,

In all this corporate hurry, millennial worries,

you buried thoughts of fame, power under a million miles of subconscious dirt,

telling yourself you feel these things only because you were deeply hurt,

they told you, Napoleon won wars because he was insecure about his height,

they told you, Steve Jobs was a control freak, Mohammad Ali couldn’t sleep with a healthy defeat,

this was your insurance. I’m sorry you were influenced.

not everything we are is a product of what went wrong,

If this is betrayal of your truth,

is truth the betrayal of reality?

I will not be able to judge you.

because the opposite is just as true, we owe nothing to a world that bore us out of boredom, you can see choice as a gift or a burden, but justice isn’t a choice, and murder is murder.

I have decided to split it in the middle, let someone else take this call, someone who lives beyond the convention of my three walls-

you reader,

unfold your hands, tell us is there something we are missing,

for all the wars in his head, this was the worse he had fought,

he gave up his dreams, yet he claims he is happy, how can one be true and the other be not,

Does he not realise that regret eventually catches up, how long before he matches up one thing for the other, hormones fading, unreliable human mechanics of thinking cannot deny the laws of nature,

Does he not see this is mercy,

can you imagine this person in your mind’s eye, teeming with possibility, but leaving to probability to let success pass him by.

if he does not live up to his potential, full capacity or otherwise

Is he guilty or not? you decide.