Written by Jordan Wayne Francis
I’m driving home
From a great weekend
Seeing and spending time with people I love and miss
That I never get to see
While I was there just like always
I’m different I’m a happier better version of myself
It caused me to acknowledge
A problem I’ve chosen to ignore
A problem I don’t want to deal with
Because it terrifies me
Acknowledging it made it real
Made me want to retreat into my coping mechanisms
To retreat inward to shutdown
To become apathetic and just
Become a zombie again
I’m terrified
I’ve been forcing myself to deal with it this whole drive
I’m scared because the last time wanted to shutdown so bad
I almost died
I want to live
I’ve made promises
And commitments I intend to keep
But I’m deeply broken inside
I’m scared cause the meds don’t help as much
As they did
I’m scared because I love my job
But I know it’s contributing to it
I’m scared that I’ll let myself shut down
I’m terrified that If I do I won’t come back this time
That I’ll try again and I’ll succeed
I’m scared of myself right now
I don’t have a plan
And I don’t want to
I want to tell them how much this trip meant to me
How good I know this if for me
Because it forces change
Cause I’m a stubborn ass of a man
Cause it’s requiring me to break and realize I’m broke to change and do something about it
I’m scared that if I tell them
They’ll think it was their fault
They’ll think it was cause of them being together
No, no, no, no
My brokenness has nothing to do with them or the time i spent with them.
I wonder how long this break would have taken to happen
If I had not come
If I had not gone
If my heart hadn’t been filled with the joy of watching them together
Hadn’t when I left made me realize the stark darkness
Of the emptiness I’ve grown accustomed to
Where would I be in 6 months if I hadn’t gone
Would I still be denying it
Would I be drinking myself into an early grave
Would I be alive in 2 years or 3
How long would I have lasted
Before I shut down again
Would I have come back from it this time
I don’t know
The answers to these questions
Terrify me almost as much as the questions do
I’m terrified but for the first time in 5 hours
I’m not crying
And I’m at peace
I’m terrified
But I’m calm
I’m not shutting down
I refuse
I will not allow myself
To go back into the quiet dark
I will not succumb
I will resist
I will fight
For that is the truth of me
Never back down never give up
Fight till the bitter end
Survive out of stubbornness and spite
Simply because I always continue on
One foot after another
All the way to the bitter end
Till I see my creator face to face
Till I hear you’ve fought long and hard
All your life
Be still
Fight no more
For here is rest
For here is peace
Though the enemy waged a long war you never surrendered
You always got back up
You always kept on
You always remembered
Your oath
Never again
Never by mine own hand
Never again
You fought well
My faithful servant
Now rejoice with me
Text © Jordan Wayne Francis
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